Today I'm making brownies for breakfast.
I know, this isn't supposed to be a food blog. Food is a sort of shorthand for prosperity for me, though. When I'm eating well, I feel like I'm doing well. In my mind this looks like someone making delicious, healthy, balanced meals for me. Second best is making sure I get the time to do it myself.
Today, though, is not going to be that kind of day.
Look, I wasn't being entirely forthcoming when I said our refrigerator is full of food. Technically that's true, but besides special stuff for the kids, it's mostly things like raw chicken and vegetables - perfect for those delicious meals. This morning, though, a toddler woke me at 5:00, wanting to nurse for an hour or so and then leap out of bed. I think I got about five hours of sleep, total. And so...
The thing is, when I get stressed, I get really cranky and act about three years old about food. If there's nothing I actually want to eat, I whine. If I whine for a while and no one hands me something I want to eat, I feel like no one loves me and I pretty much stop functioning. In less prosperous times, when good food has been hard to come by, I've actually been known to burst into tears if J went out to eat and failed to bring me something. That kind of shit is not very good when I'm the parent on call.
This morning I am stressed. It's actually not primarily about the money. J came home with $50 yesterday, and today he's out cleaning gutters. We should be able to buy groceries by tomorrow. It's about the fact that yesterday was a long, long day I wasn't planning on, that we didn't get around to cleaning or taking any breaks, that last night was a short, short night, that the kids have been tired and cranky and the little one has been on a nursing spree, which really makes me feel depleted and even a little extra homicidal. Normal mom stuff, I think.
But it is bad, the state that I'm in, so I do what I can, which is eat junk food. In general, feeling like I'm being healthy and setting a healthy example for my kids makes me happy. Today, eating brownies for breakfast is helping me cope. My baby is covered with chocolate, and doesn't seem to be suffering much, either. And now I am about 300% more ready to face another day.